Repentance

I was at national staff conference in Toronto this whole past week, and I loved it, I wish that I could do this kind of thing many more times a year. But anyhow, there are a few huge things going on in my life right now, some alluded to in previous posts and I am struggling greatly with my own impressive strength to resist. That is resist trusting, diving in, so I sit, strung out up against a brick wall, all i have to do is open the door and walk out, but I will not, the uncertainlty and the fear are too real, you see because the window I've been given does not show me the entire path which I am being asked to take, no even all the answers I'd like. I know what I'd like to do, but I don't know how to do it.

So, at the conference, the last morning of our Jonah manuscript study comes to a close, prayer and commissioning coming up and our opportunity to stand if we had something to confess/repent of and just speak that out loud to God. I really didn't want to miss this but I had just finished a white mocha with 2 shots of espresso and I have bladder problems as it is, so I was suffering from drug induced need to pee discomfort....which increases exponentially as each minute goes on. I only had to last 20 more minutes but dang I didn't want to be so uncomfortable and wanted to get absolutely everything out of this time that I could. So, I pray, (one of those half serious throw out prayers that you really don't expect to matter but toss out there anyway) and ask, God please take away this discomfort, make it so I don't have to pee so badly.

Then I sit with growing amazement as I feel the prominent discomfort beginning to dissipate....nope it's really just dissipating with no logical physiological reason. And God says to me, "you don't trust Me", you're afraid to really ask and put all your stakes on me. Yep, no doubt about it, I've been aware of this for quite some time and I know very well that this is one great thing that is holding me back. So I now know what I will say, I stand (near the front of the room of ~250 people, as my table was so fortunately positioned there and simply pray " i repent of my lack of faith, my fear to trust you." So....now I've got to work through this, I'll just have to start by taking it as it comes...because I still dont' have a clue about what to do...except, if God asks I will go, and if He calls I will answer. There may be many temper tantrums and terrified crying episodes, but I'm going to give this a shot. And trust me you'll be hearing about it.

Epilogue....
So the prayer and commissioning time ends, and I have to pee again, every bit as badly as before.